The EIHL Goes To Tinseltown

With the Oscars taking place this weekend, I couldn't let them pass without adapting them for the EIHL. Obviously it'll be a somewhat shorter ceremony as it's kind of hard to adapt film terms to ice hockey, but I shall do my best. In natural Oscar fashion, we'll start with the minor awards first...

Best Costume Design: (otherwise known as "nicest kit"). Now that the Capitals seemingly don't wear their saltire shirt any more, or at least very rarely, this season's crop are a little...well, ordinary. The only one that really stands out (and annoyingly I couldn't find a pic I could use of it) are Nottingham's white third shirts, which just look good-uncluttered and just like a hockey kit should be. However, they were run very close indeed by Manchester's warm-up shirts...the huge Union Jack in particular is a nice touch...

Best Soundtrack: Cardiff. Not for the in-game music itself, but that intro still makes hair stand up on the back of my neck, even though it has lost something with the demise of the cauldron that was the WNIR. Manchester (again) get close, and it's a toss-up between Sheffield and Nottingham for the worst in the league-it's like choosing between shooting and stabbing as a method of execution picking between those two-either way, you suffer unbearably.

Best Visual Effects: (or, "most fun player to watch"): You can usually rely on Andre Payette to do something stupid, and it's always amusing to see someone collide with Trevor Koenig, purely for his reaction-throwing his hands up and yelling like an Arab woman at a funeral is always entertaining to watch, purely because you know it's going to happen at least once in a weekend. Then there's Phil Hill, who is convinced he's as intimidating as Brad Voth when...well, he isn't. But the winner, by a gnat's wing, is Matt Myers. Don't get me wrong, he's a very good player, but God does he have a mouth on him...you can usually rely on him chirping away incessantly...

Best Song (Crowd Participation): This goes to the funniest heckle of an opposition play that I've heard, given that the quality of singing at games has gone downhill a little recently...Memorable was one aimed at the (somewhat slow by EIHL standards) Troy Neumeier when playing for Belfast in Coventry, as he turned behind the net to head up-ice..."Start skating now, and with a following wind you'll be over the blue-line by March" This was made funnier by the fact we were in September at the time...Panther Eric Nelson's facial hair was recently targeted with the short but sweet "Take that dead hamster off your face!" in Sheffield, but the king is still a comment on (Basingstoke's) Greg Chambers' silhouette. Given that his head is...well, quite large compared to his legs, someone shouted "Chambers, with that head you look like a melon on a cocktail stick". This is an old one, coming from the end of last season, but it still makes me smile when the GB international comes to town...

Best Direction: The coaching award has several possible candidates, with Paul Thompson the overwhelming favourite. However, given the miracles he's achieved despite having his budget cut by a third mid-season, it goes to the Bison's Ryan Aldridge-anyone who can get a team of ten players playing like he has clearly has some serious motivational skills...

Best Player in a Supporting Role: You can't consider this award without mentioning Dan Carlson. Without his play, Adam Calder would be half the player he is, since the Blaze pairing are joined at the hip in the eyes of many. Calder is the one who gets all the press but Carlson is the one who toils away to feed him...58 assists are proof of that. (Yes, I know Ed Courtenay has 60, but that's because he's feeding Peter Campbell). However, Cardiff's Sylvain Deschatelets wins it by a nose...mainly because he doesn't have a prolific sniper to feed-indeed, half the time he doesn't know which import will be injured next-and yet he's still earned himself 53 assists in a Cardiff team which has struggled for form thanks to injury for large parts of the season...

Best Player: The pinnacle award, and there are several very strong nominees-Sean McAslan is lethal for Nottingham, Adam Calder will score and score and score, and at EPL level Slavomir Sojak (before injury) sneaks into this company because he's singlehandedly kept Wightlink in the playoff race before his season-ending injury. However, due to the fact that he's picked up the Phoenix goalscoring load and carried it on his back again and again, and doesn't have the benefit of the supporting cast that Calder and McAslan do, the winner is...Joe Tallari. Manchester will have a real struggle holding on to him when the off season rolls around and Nottingham, Sheffield and Coventry come calling...

And there you go...a shortened Oscar ceremony for the weekend...Check back on Monday for Double Overtime, and keep keeping your eye on the puck...